What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:49
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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I have no regrets .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What is the most heartbreaking or sad love story that you ever had (experienced)?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
All the time i was locked up.
Im still living with it.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Who would win in this boxing matchup between these two, Dillian Whyte or Samuel Peter?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I think the readers, may guess!
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was in good health!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
My family never makes their pension either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was very sick at this time too.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
What did i know ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We all went to grammer schools
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My life is so biszare .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.